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Queen B - "I smile a little brighter now"

Have you ever done a boudoir shoot before? No, this was my very first time ever doing a boudoir shoot and professionally behind a camera ever!

Why did you do your boudoir shoot? -----Where to even start… In 2017 I was engaged & in 2018 I was to marry said man. After our symbolic wedding and returning home we both ended up heading to work. Things were horrible to say the least and to add to the misery four days after coming home he texted me and said, “This was a mistake!” He then disappeared for three months on me without an explanation. This was days before my birthday and 1 month before Christmas and I was shattered. Over the next little bit of time in 2019 when he finally returned home, we tried to work on things. But for 2 years all he did was tear me down, abuse me in every category and destroyed the very light that God had given me. He told me I was (get this) “Lucky that he loved me, because no one else would think I was pretty.” And I f**king believed him, for over 7 years. I was self conscious of my breasts, my cancer scar, my everything. I wear long sleeve shirts with tank tops layered under them, long pants, and my head down like a horse with blinders on. Never believing I was ever good enough. I hated photos and going out and I was depressed to the point where I debated ending my life because of everything that had happened in those years. I was myself no more. I thought for many years I had to deal with my suffering in silence, I never spoke ill of my spouse because of fear and I thought I should not burden my family or friends with what was happening since the wedding. I was also still in complete shock. One day after praying with my grandma, I finally opened up to my family and close friends. I gained the strength I needed through them and eventually figured out the most selfish thing I ever did to myself was believe I was a burden to those who love me, and I was not good enough. They reminded me I was more than enough and wonderful just the way I am. After all the years of lies, cheating, drug use, abuse, manipulation, gas lighting and pain caused by one person, with the support of my dear ones I was finally able to turn the page and start a new chapter! Restarting my life, spending several weeks depressed on the couch scared of what would happen next and feeling like I was damaged goods was excruciating. But that was the easy part. The hardest part of healing is looking back and questioning “Why or How did I ever let this happen to me?!” Looking in a mirror and being able to say ‘I love you” to yourself is difficult to do, especially with truth behind it and a smile. In the past couple of years I have started to heal, learn, and enjoy being myself again while I wear my best damn outfit… My smile! I decided to do a boudoir shoot because of the empowerment behind it. The women that rant, rave, and glow after theirs. Behind each of those photo’s age didn’t matter, body size didn’t matter, and the story didn’t matter. The fire within the soul behind the eyes is what mattered. Every single person who shared a photo, lifted 10x the people looking at that photo. The confidence and genuine love for one’s self, radiated in each woman, and I could not wait to experience that fire igniting feeling myself. I felt I had wasted my 20’s feeling less than I was, and couldn’t wait to feel exposed, raw and everything I was made to be. To have a photo to glance at while my skin wrinkled, my story grew, and the memories faded. I couldn’t wait to do a session and be able to look back and say “Damn! You made it girl. Remember when you thought the darkness would never end. Look at your light, you glow girl!” This was the beginning of finding myself and becoming the light for those who lit up my dark days when I needed it the most. This was my welcome home.

-----Moral of the story… because I deserved it xo

What was your favourite part of the session?

While getting my hair and makeup done and Quinn showed us her cheeky Canmore photos from the past weekend. The laughs and feeling of friendship at that moment were so pure and enjoyable. Laughter is medicine.

What did doing this shoot do for your self confidence, self worth, and self image? Tell me your story.

I feel excited. A whole new world has just be presented to me. Something I never knew was for someone like me. I am proud of myself and I smile a little brighter now. My self worth does not come from photos or anything else but I can add this to the things I am proud of myself for doing and getting out of my own way. I still tear up when I think about getting my hair and makeup done, the uplifting words during the session and feeling beautiful. Experiencing being photographed made me feel so sassy and I was thriving. Then to look down at the camera and see that girl who you do not even recognise… wow. I rarely walk around in tank tops or shorts and so doing this in lingerie was a whole new level of exposure and being 100% me. I wore lingerie one time and one time only before my session, and I was told I was disgusting and shut down. I cried as I burned that outfit later and swore, I would never put lingerie on again. Yet here I am. Wearing lingerie in front of a stranger and capturing it on camera and revisiting that memory in my head daily. My heart still palpitates when I think about this rush, and I can only assume its relatable to those who sky dive but in my own perfect scenario. I am confident I know my worth!

What was the best part of your experience? Would you change anything? The best part of this is the feeling of happiness. Nothing else mattered at that moment and I was able to let my mind go blank. Looking in the mirror and seeing the outfit you are strutting around in and about to get photographed in is electrifying. The fact that both you ladies were so hyped up from the beginning to the very end was the energy this world needs on a daily and I how lucky am I because I was the one experiencing that... how freaking cool. I definitely would have liked to have the ability to have changed the temperature that day because I felt like my hair was flat, messy and I didn’t like some photos from the stifling heat of the day. So I guess the next time I do a session I will just have to have a chat with the guy upstairs prior about the weather staying a smidge cooler. Other than that relating to my last answer, having my concerns and words acknowledged and having a better process for the second follow up appointment.

Is there anything extra you would like to tell us?

I wrote a book and was planning on using one of these images as my cover. I hope one day I will get brave and finally let my friends and family know my story and maybe one day it will help others with what they are going through.


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